Calgarypucksters Get Creative!: Christmas Carols that take a good natured poke at the Calgary Flames.
It's a cold, bitter Christmas for Flames fans.
Oh yes.
Hovering near dead last in a 30 team league, winners of only five of their last 22, Calgary has left its loyal faithful with nothing but a familiar sick, fateful feeling in the pit of its collective stomach, all this after a bouncy buildup entering the campaign and a not-so-bad 5-3-3-2 opening month.
But Calgary's goose has been plainly cooked, probably overdone in fact, after a horrible last two months, the good cheer surrounding the opening of the campaign now yielding to the bitterness of knowing the next meaningful game for this team might not come until next October.
A few Calgarypuck posters, unable to restrain themselves from stirring the caldron of vitriol oozing out of their keyboards, re-wrote some classic seasonal tunes to fit their mood.
And we at Calgarypuck.com felt their work shouldn't die the same ignominious, uneventful death as the Flames themselves.
Immortalized forever are the following Christmas classics, re-written by famed authors as diverse as Reggie Dunlop, King of the Dome, Captain Crunch, Fredrik, Photon, Flamesfanont and Killer Carlson (not their real names . . . at least we would hope not).
I would attempt to soothe hurt feelings by suggesting the authors were kidding but . . . . they probably weren't.
Allister Wences MacNeil
Allister Wences MacNeil, appearing on Mark Stephen,
Answers questions round about,
Leaves the fans a'heavin'
Dimly shone the Flames last night,
though the ref was cruel
When a win came within sight,
They're beaten like a mule
"Hither, fans, and stand by me,
If though know'st it, yelling,
Ponder Chopper, which could it be?
Your Depends(tm) or team we're smelling?
"Sire, we make a good league wince,
Our plummet in the standings;
Just above the Predators,
Atlanta notwithstanding."
"Bring me Hislop, bring me Skruds,
Bring me Cookson hither;
Thou and I will see them whine,
Watch head office dither."
King and Button, forth they went,
Separate altogether;
Thru the trade wind's wild lament
And the bitter weather.
"Sire, the night is darker now,
The First No-lan
The first No-lan, the pundits do say
Did shepherd poor Sabres
Post-season, they played.
At the "Aud" where they
Played earning their keep
Every winter's night
With payroll so cheap
No-lan, No-lan, No-lan, No-lan
So says Ken King, oh-what-the-hell
King looked up
And saw a star
Tarnished in the East
He the Flames' Czar,
And in his mind, it
Gave him insight
And so it continues
Both day and night
No-lan, No-lan, No-lan, No-lan
So says Ken King, oh-what-the-hell
No-lan, No-lan, No-lan, No-lan
So says Ken King, oh-what-the-hell
Silent Night
Silent night, Scoreless night
All is calm and not so bright
Round yon goal light, lonely and dim.
Flames forwards try to put the puck in.
Sleep in heavenly peace;
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Silent night, Scoreless night,
Our top two lines give up the fight.
Goalies laugh 'till the game finally ends,
"I'm padding my stats" is the common refrain.
Iginla our Savior forlorn;
Iginla our Savior forlorn.
Silent night, Scoreless night,
Son of God, this can't be right!
We've missed the playoffs for six long years,
Not even miracles can allay our fears.
Seven, Lord, no more;
Seven, Lord, please no more.
The Christmas song
Button roasting on a open fire
Ken King stabbing at his back
Lanny Macdonald saying things to the press
And fans are leaving in droves
Everybody knows that coaching is stressful field
but it helps to have someone to coach
The goal light flickers but remains dark and dead
and Management finds it hard to sleep tonight
They know that change is on the way
Ted Nolan will be added to the fray
and every fan is going to spy
To see if pigs can really fly
And so they're offering this simple phrase
to fans from 1 to 92
and so its been said many times many ways
we're not rushin
And so they're offering this simple phrase
to fans from 1 to 92
and so its been said many times many ways
we're not rushin
Do You Hear What I Hear?
Said Garrioch to Larry Brooks,
Do you hear what I hear? Do you hear what I hear?
Trade winds blowing, Mr. Brooks,
Do you know who I know? Do you know who I know?
A star, a star, traded in the night
By a team with a budget so tight
To a team without such a plight
Said Larry Brooks to Al Strachan,
Do you hear what I hear? Do you hear what I hear?
Rumours making rounds, Strachan boy,
Do you know who I know? Do you know who I know?
For a song, a star, traded for the rights
To a prospect playing overseas
He may never don a Flaming C
Said Strachan to Dowbiggin,
Do you know what I know? Do you know what I know?
Calgary Flame for a L.A. King,
You don't know what I know You don't know what I know
A King, a Leaf, or maybe a Blue
A new spin on a rumour that's old,
Never let a rumour grow mold
Said Dowbiggin to people everywhere,
Listen to what I say! Listen to what I say!
Pray for trades, Flames fans everywhere!
Listen to what I say! Listen to what I say!
A trade! A trade! Brewing in the night
As soon as the fax is working right!
It will bring us goodness and light !
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Portland
It's beginning to look a lot like Portland
Ev'rywhere you go;
Take a look at the Winnipeg Jets, in Phoenix now with Gretz
And the Nordiques in Colora-do.
It's beginning to look a lot like Portland,
Might just be in store,
Judging by the routs, it's like having the Kansas City Scouts
Knockin' on your own front door!
It's beginning to look a lot like Houston
As the Cleveland Barons Part Deaux,
Barring last minute appeals, they're like the Oakland Seals,
Or the old Rockies Hockey Horror Show!
It's beginning to look a lot like Houston;
Soon the vans will come,
And the thing that will make them ring is no playoffs in the spring,
when the Flames are done!
Twas the night before Christmas
T'was the night before Christmas
and all through the Dome
Not an effort was showing
The Flames need a loan
The banners were hung
from the ceiling with care
a reminder of good times
was more than was beared
Chopper in a suit
and King like a clown
were praying and crying
for good times come round
When at once from the stands there became such a racket
The Flames scored a goal but it was not habit
Lanny jumped from his seat
and ran to the back
tripped over the garbage
and looked like a hack
Then what did his bloodshot eyes but observe
but a ref waving his arms
and but dashing fan hopes
Iggy went to the bench and but hung his head low
another opportunity went up in smoke
King looked on the ice and but what did appear
a streaking fans follow had all but appeared
His nose was red
and his belly was swollen
he tipped over backwards
and appeared to be dead
Chopper looked at the fans with a confused nod
Skrudland appeared to lose change somewhere in the sod
Without further delay
the buzzer did sound
the scoreboard was unflattering
the number was round
And I heard in the wind
as fans went to the night
Merry Christmas you losers
Flames hockeys a fright
This Team Smells! (sung to Jingle Bells)
This team smells, this team smells, this team smells today!
The sad thing is that this team smells as bad as yesterday..hey!
Dashing down the ice
They try to make a play
The other teams defenseman
are laughing all the way ha ha ha
Drury makes a move
To keep the play alive
He passes the puck to great big Neids who shoots it 10 feet wide oh...
This team smells, this team smells, this team smells today!
The sad thing is that this team smells as bad as yesterday..hey!
It's the 2nd intermission
I feel like I could cry
Hey maybe we can still come back
were only down by 5
They meet at centre ice
The referee drops the puck
The next thing you know it's in our net because this damn team sucks
This team smells, this team smells, this team smells today!
The sad thing is that this team smells as bad as yesterday..hey!
The 12 Days Of Hockey
On the first day of Christmas the Flames did give to me a coach but thats a dream
On the second day of christmas the Flames did give to me two third jerseys and a coach but thats a dream
On the third day of christmas the Flames did give to me three goals a game, two third jerseys and a coach but thats a dream
On the fourth day of christmas the Flames did give to me four shots on the PP, three goals a game, two third jerseys and a coach but thats a dream
On the fifth day of christmas the Flames did give to me 5 FRICKEN WINS, 4 shots on the pp, three goals a game two, third jerseys and a coach but thats a dream
On the sixth day of christmas the Flames did give to me 6 cans of beer, 5 Ficken wins, 4 shots on the pp, three goals a game, two third jerseys and a coach but thats a dream
On the seventh day of christmas the Flames did give to me 7 goals by Iggy, 6 cans of beer, 5 Ficken wins, 4 shots on the pp, three goals a game two third jerseys and a coach but thats a dream
On the eight day of christmas the Flames did give to me 8 losses in Vancouver, 7 goals by Iggy, 6 cans of beer, 5 Ficken wins, 4 shots on the pp, three goals a game, two third jerseys and a coach but thats a dream
On the ninth day of christmas the Flames did give to me Nine scouts a scouting, 8 losses in Vancouver, 7 goals by Iggy, 6 cans of beer, 5 Ficken wins, 4 shots on the pp, three goals a game two third jerseys and a coach but thats a dream
On the tenth day of christmas the Flames did give to me a 10 game streak by Drury, Nine scouts a scouting, 8 losses in Vancouver, 7 goals by Iggy, 6 cans of beer, 5 Ficken wins, 4 shots on the pp, three goals a game two third jerseys and a coach but thats a dream
On the eleventh day of christmas the Flames did give to me 11 fractures on Tucker, 10 game streak by Drury, Nine scouts a scouting, 8 losses in Vancouver, 7 goals by Iggy, 6 cans of beer, 5 Ficken wins, 4 shots on the pp, three goals a game two third jerseys and a coach but thats a dream
On the 12th day of christmas the Flames did give to me 12 Playoff wins, 11 fractures on Tucker, 10 game streak by Drury, Nine scouts a scouting, 8 losses in Vancouver, 7 goals by Iggy, 6 cans of beer, 5 Ficken wins, 4 shots on the pp, three goals a game two third jerseys
AND A COACH THATS A DREAM
Here Comes Kenny King
Here comes Kenny King!
Here comes Kenny King!
Right down Saddledome Lane!
Lanny and Pepper and all of his henchmen
are pulling on all the reins.
Alarms are ringing, fans are clinging;
All is gloomy and blight.
Hang your heads and say your prayers,
'Cause Kenny King comes tonight!
Here comes Kenny King!
Here comes Kenny King!
Right over Button's own head!
He's got a axe that's aimed at the backs
of the hockey people again.
Lets those clowns go and wrangle while the franchise dangles,
When the fans are no longer in sight.
Jump in bed, cover up your head,
'Cause Kenny King comes tonight!
Go Tell it on the Hotstove
Go tell it on the Sportsnet,
Over and over, again and again,
Go tell it on the Sportsnet,
The Flames are golfing in May
When I had seasons tickets
The Wings come in - I'm scared
I asked Jarome to score for me
And he looked up and stared
Go tell it on Sportscentral
Tune in over at T.S.N.
Go tell it on Sportscentral
The Flames want draft Zherdev
Now I listen on the internet
The Flames lose; hurts my ears
How I long for yesterday
Nilsson from Eddy Beers
Go tell it on the Hotstove
Strachan, JD, and Ron MacLean
Go tell it on the hotstove
The Flames have packed it in.
Deck the Walls
Deck the Walls with pads of rubber,
Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha
Can't decide to laugh or blubber,
Ha ha ha ha ha, wah wah wah wah
Now we don our white apparel,
ha ha ha, ha ha ha, wah wah wah
Once again, the Flames in peril
Rico Fa-ta ta ta ta, ta ta ta ta!!!
Have yourself a Lengthy, Happy Cup-Run
Have yourself a lengthy, happy, cup-run
May your rings fit tight
We all know
Cal'gry Flames'll be out of sight
While your on your lengthy, happy cup-run
The Flames will be at play
In Palms Springs
They have tee Times twice per day
Not at all like the olden days
Our heroes now folk-lore
Mullen, Loob, Bullard, Neiuwendyk
Tried with all their might, on the ice to score
7 years now and we're still together
As the season winds up
Cheering for whomever's against the damned Canucks
With the Flames, and watching you win your Cup
Away to the Rangers
Away to the Rangers, on waivers they said,
Little Rico Fata laid down his fat head,
With Slats in the Bright Lights and Coates on the farm,
He and Petrovicky shall keep the bench warm.
The Flames may be lowly, the Rangers are fake,
but with what Fata's earning, no crying he makes.
There's always Hartford; look at the bright side,
Stay with the main club 'til waivered league-wide.
Iggy the Sniper
Iggy the Sniper was a jolly happy guy
with a White Helmet and his Nike Skates
and his hands made out of stone
There must have been some magic in the stick he used last year
cause when he used it I must say he began to dance around
Oh
Iggy the snowman
became too cold one day
he said goodbye and said don't you cry
I'll maybe score a goal someday
Button the big nosed GM
Button the big-nosed GM
Will he ever find a coach?
And if he ever finds one
Will he be better than Little Davie Roche?
And when is the right time for a shut-out
When will we ever score?
When is the right time for a fight night?
Cant we meet Ducks just a little bit more?
Oh Little Town of Edmonton
Oh little town of Edmonton, how still we see them rise.
Above thy Flames and dreaming still, though Oiler stars go bye.
Yet in the dark streets shineth, on Whitemud Avenue,
The hopes and cheers of the Gretzky years still in the fans, accrue.
So Slats made way for Lowe, and Kevin goes amuck,
While MacT's cheap, the Oilers keep, their patch of baffling luck.
The Dallas Stars together, acclaim a playoff berth.
And praises sing to L.A. Kings, and Flames end up a-cursed!
Walking in a Hockey Hinterland
Craig Button
Are you listening?
The Canucks
are positioning
Their beautiful quest
atop of the West
Flames walking in a hockey hinterland
Gone away is the old team
here to stay is a bad dream
Button peddled Giguere
if you weren't aware
walking in a hockey hinterland
On deadline we can ditch a Stillman
Then pretend that he is Curtis Brown
We'll say: We picked up a Conroy
they'll say: No man
without Iginla scoring
his stats are down
Later on
we'll conspire
as we dream by the fire
To face all afraid
the plans that they made
walking in a hockey hinterland
When they lose
it ain't thrilling
How did they get top billing
They frittered away
with the style that they play
walking in a hockey hinterland
walking in a hockey hinterland
walking in a hockey hinterland
O Come All Ye Flames' Fans
O come, all ye Flames' fans, in your team believe,
So sadly, so badly, as they under-achieve.
Their leader's missing, cast away in shame
As we wait to hear just who they'll name.
We thought they'd do well, up amoungst the top teams
The playoffs we would make, or so it seems.
Promised the moon, way back in June
Drury our savior, Lord watch us swoon.
One night they look great, next night they suck
Iggy can not score, down on his luck
Chopper steps in, his heart pumps red and white
He'll try to fix things, set the team right.
See Kenny and Lanny, Craig and all the rest
Scratch their heads and say they will try their best
Pray that a Savior from somewhere will come
And start them a-winning, so we won't feel so dumb! I Saw Button Kissing Kenny's Feet
I saw Button kissing Kenny's feet,
Up in the Flame's box last night
He did not say a peep
'bout how he can not sleep
He tries to do his job without the power he does need
Then
I saw Kenny say to Craig "Old boy,
You know that you have all the power they have,
Oh
Except you can not trade, nor neither can you hire
And out of spite you have not been fired! Flamey The Sleepy Goal Judge
Flamey the sleepy goaljudge
had a very boring job
and if you asked him
he hopes that he will see a goal
All of the other goaljudges- es
used to laugh and call him names
they said that Flamey's Flames
don't know how to play a hockey ga amme
Then one stormy hockey game
Chopper came to say
Flamey with your light so bright
at least you'll end the game tonight
Then all the opponents loved him
and they shouted out with glee
Flamey the shutout goal judge,
You'llll go down in his - tor- eeeee
